Ascot United 6 Fairford Town 1 (033/03/2012)
While I’m definitely a fair-weather supporter of football at this level, some fair weather saw me make the very short journey to Ascot United for their match v the perennial whipping boys of the Hellenic League, Fairford Town.
The ground is technically part of the Ascot Racecourse, tucked away behind one of the car parks, next to a long gallop off to the east of the finishing post. Once a year, the top hat ‘n’ tails crowd inch towards the Grandstand in Britain’s most expensive traffic jam during Royal Ascot week While it wouldn’t be too likely they’d take in the football as well, they’d miss a very tidy clubhouse, all parquet flooring and wooden furniture. Not quite fit for the Queen, but positively regal by the standards often found at this level.
From one end, the Racecourse grandstand is clearly visible. As vast as it is, it doesn’t actually have much in the way of seated accommodation, at least not outside the tiers of executive boxes. Proportionally, the football ground probably has more seats, although the 100 seat stand is a rather more modest structure than the monument to wealth a few furlongs to the west.
Other than that, the ground is more of less rural. There is no terracing beyond a perimeter footpath. It doesn’t even have a solid fence enclosing the ground. Instead it is surrounded by practice fields for the numerous teams Ascot United run. They may be a tiny club in the league system, but there can’t be many clubs who field the 68(!) teams each weekend that the “Yellermen” apparently do.
The footpath wasn’t even really needed on this day. Not only was the crowd small, boosted by still-kitted players from an earlier Ascot match, but virtually everybody chose to either sit in the stand, or stand by the clubhouse. Both of these acted as a wind break on a surprisingly nippy afternoon.
While I’m not totally sold on football at this level, it does at least offer the prospect of a few goals. I thought I’d misjudged in the first half though. It was pretty terrible, illuminated by one out-of-the-blue peach of a free kick, curled into the top corner from outside the box. The next nearest to a goal was when the Ascot forwards took inspiration from Pathé newsreels, bundling the keeper into the net after taking a catch. Sadly this Nat Lofthouse tribute wasn’t appreciated by the referee, who deemed the rules of the black & white era ill-placed in 2012.
Fairford, who I’d expected to be pretty awful, had done OK in the first half, or at least hadn’t looked any worse than Ascot. Teams near the bottom tend to be so for a reason, and this showed itself in the first minute of the second half. A ball over the top caused a little confusion between defender and keeper. Eventually the keeper took control to clear it, but only managed to hit it against an Ascot forward, and could only watch as it rolled in to make it 2-0.
They kept their shape for another quarter of an hour or so, before it went downhill rather badly. Poor marking allowed a cross to be nonchalantly nodded in for 3-0 on the hour. Four minutes later, more holes at the back allowed a close range shot to evade the keeper’s best efforts to keep it out. Six minutes after that, a half-hearted defence did little more than watch as a fifth was banged in from a run into the box. Just three more minutes later, and more ball watching, as an outnumbered defence decided they had a perfectly good net to stop any shots hit in their direction. 6-0.
With nearly 20 minutes left to play, it could have got uglier than Ian Dowie and Susan Boyle’s love-child, but surprisingly the last word went to Fairford. A corner was bundled in at the near post for the meagrest of consolations. The Fairford keeper’s shout of “Come on! Get the equaliser” that followed marked him out as either a fine user of gallows humour, or Gloucestershire’s most optimistic man. When you keep goal for a side that’s let in 86 goals in just 29 games, I guess you have to be a bit of both.
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